Haven’t been on here in forever…

But I need to vent. I literally feel like I have no one else to turn to. I’ve been praying a lot lately, and it seems like my relationship with God is growing, but then I end up just falling even harder on my face. I’ve screwed up basically all of my relationships. I pretty much don’t fit in anywhere anymore cause I’m so on the fence about everything and I’ve driven away so many people that I truly care about, including my family. I’m starting to feel like I did this past summer. Alone and useless. I’m scared, cause that’s usually when Satan throws in my desires and temptations. Some days are good, and then Satan interferes and makes me feel horrible. I don’t even know what to do anymore. I just want to be close to God. And I want to restore all these broken relationships. I want the real me back. :(

I’m so grateful for the amazing friends God has put in my life. And I’m so thankful that I have a relationship based only on Christ and nothing else. Sometimes we struggle to keep that the center of it, but we always fall back on our foundation of Christ. Thanks to my boyfriend, I started the new year off by focusing on Christ and what truly matters. I love having someone to keep me in check and to hold me accountable for my actions. Someone who cares about me enough that he’s willing to let me go if it means I become closer to God. Someone who loves God so much more than he loves me. And someone who will pray for me and with me anytime. It’s so different with him than it has been with every other guy, and I feel so lucky to have him. I’ve never felt like that before. I don’t know what the outcome of our relationship will be, but even if it eventually ends, he’s helped me realize that the good guys ARE out there. And thanks to him, I’ve reset my standards and raised them to where they please God. I know what a spiritual leader is now, and I won’t settle for anything less. And he probably won’t ever read this, but I couldn’t tell him enough how blessed I am to have him in my life. I say all that to prove that the good guys are definitely out there. You just have to be patient and pursue God with all your heart while you’re waiting. Make Him your everything and He’ll eventually give you the perfect guy to help you pursue Him even more.

I will dance, I will sing to be mad for my King. Nothing Lord is hindering this passion in my soul! And I’ll become even more undignified than this! Some may say it’s foolishness, but I’ll become even more undignified than this! Leave my pride by my side, and I’ll become even more undignified than this! Some may say it’s foolishness, but I’ll become even more undignified than this!

Who am I turning into? I hate it. Don’t even know what to do anymore. My heart’s telling me that there’s so much more, but my flesh just keeps saying “Give up. You’re a hypocrite. You’ll never actually be who you say you are, so just give up, and be what’s easy.” I know I should listen to my heart, but it’s really hard when my flesh is yelling at me. My heart tells me which way to go. Tells me which way is right and I know it’s true. But it whispers, softly. In the mean time, my flesh lays in front of me the easiest road. It lays in front of me all my temptations. All my earthly desires. And it tells me to just go with it. I know I shouldn’t. I can hear my heart say no. I can hear God say no. But I deliberately do what the world tells me. And I’m happy. For a while. Then I feel God’s disappointment. It’s a huge weight on my shoulders. I hate it. But the thing is, I don’t expect to stop. I HATE IT. I want to come home Daddy. I want to feel your embrace. Your touch. I’m trying, but it’s hard. 

“You’re best friends with the word regret. And your afraid that your life’s been wasted. So why hope if it’s only gonna let you down? You don’t think people really change. You’re a mess, you’ll always be the same. And you doubt if you’ll ever get it turned around.

So you’ve been running. Searching for something. But you’re looking in a place you don’t belong. But it’s never too late. You can’t outrun grace. No mercy doesn’t care what you’ve done. So come home.

You can try to fix a broken empire. Put bricks on a cracked foundation. But you’ll be building castles on the sand. But there’s power in the blood of Jesus. And you’re father’s screaming, “Just come home!” He’s reaching out his hand.

I know you’ve been running. Searching for something. But you’re looking in a place you don’t belong. But it’s never too late. You can’t outrun grace. No mercy doesn’t care what you’ve done. So come home. 

From the shadows, from the wrong roads, from the darkness, from the unknown. To redemption, something beautiful, to a new love, to a new home. 

I know you’ve been running. Searching for something. But you’re looking in a place you don’t belong. But it’s never too late. You can’t outrun grace. No mercy doesn’t care what you’ve done. So come home.”

Such an amazing song. “You’re a mess, you’ll always be the same.” That. That right there. I tell myself all the time. I know it’s not true, but it is! I always go back to the old me. Every time. I get so close to God. Closer than ever before, and then fall. I fall so hard. I get more and more broken every time. I really don’t know what to do this time.

“I know I’m not strong enough to be everything that I’m supposed to be, I give up, I’m not strong enough. Hands of mercy, won’t you cover me? Lord, right now, I’m asking you to be strong enough. I’m not strong enough.”

When my heart is like a stone, and I’m running far from home, remind me who I am.

I don’t even know who I am anymore. Who am I turning into? It’s sort of like a different version of the old me… Same desires. Same mistakes. Just a different conscience. I hate everything I’m becoming. But I can’t stop. It’s like a wildfire that I can’t control. I don’t even have the strength to make an effort. I’m just letting it happen and I can’t stand it. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel numb. Where’s the passion? I feel like Satan’s winning.